Depression: My Unwanted Companion Part 1

This is a really scary two part post for me, but it's one I've been thinking about for a while now. After reading a blog post today on the To Write Love on Her Arms blog asking people to share their stories before they are finished, I decided today was the day. Here is my story as it is being written.

I may have dealt with depression before this, but the first time I knew for sure I was struggling with depression was after my mom's stroke three years ago. Expecting to spend Christmas in Venice that year, I stopped in Washington to visit my parents before I was to leave. When I arrived in Washington, my dad and I went straight to the hospital to visit my mom who had gone in the day before. I learned my mom had had a stroke and changed my plans to stay in Washington to be there for my mom and dad. 

After spending nearly a month of taking care of my mom and being a support for my dad, I returned to Utah emotionally depleted. I had nothing left to give. I retreated into myself over the first few weeks I was home. I know I wasn't a pleasant roommate at the time. (Thank you for still being my friend after that Adri!) Reading became my refuge; I devoured book after book. I read 15 or so books in two months, which eventually led to my reading goal of 50 books that year. During this time, I also started therapy. I remember using a scene in a comic strip to describe how I felt to my therapist. I felt as if I was trapped in a dungeon much like the following scene from Rose is Rose by Don Wimmer and Pat Brady. 

Through the personal work I did in therapy and the constant love given to me by my friends, I eventually made my way out of that dungeon and stayed out for a long time.

Then 2015 happened.

This year has been one of the hardest years of my life. After dealing with constant panic attacks for the first half of the year and heartbreak, I managed to find myself back in my dark dungeon called depression. There wasn't an evident cause like last time, although my guess is it was again depletion depression. Anxiety and depression are two sides to a teeter-totter. They are often found together.

At first, I thought I was just dealing with homesickness because I had recently returned from a week of visiting my parents in Washington. But the sadness lingered and worsened. I retreated into myself and hid in my room. I think there was a week where my roommates didn't see me at all. I stopped going to church for several weeks and cancelled on plans with friends. Frankly, it's amazing I made it to work those weeks.

People began to notice and reach out to me, which I appreciated; however, I wasn't ready or willing to ask for help. I kept thinking things would improve as if by magic. They didn't. My depression started interfering with work and with my health. I stopped eating and didn't sleep well. I felt as though I was under an avalanche and the more I kept trying to get out from underneath it, the more it caved in on me. It was kind of like this Wile E Coyote clip:

Finally after about a month of trying it on my own, I admitted I needed help. I met with my bishop in one of the hardest interviews of my life. He put me in contact with a wonderful therapist two days later.

Continued in Part 2 

If you or someone you know needs help, visit this suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “Hello” to 741-741.

Music Choices and Sunsets

I've had a hard time finding good music to listen to while I'm running. Tonight, I decided to turn on one of my favorite albums, and it actually worked! It has a bunch of upbeat songs, and I know all the words. Singing along kept my determination up. There were even a few times when the music slowed down when I did or sped up when I needed to push till the end of the interval. It really made a difference tonight. The best part is the whole album is about the same time as my workout. So, until I make a playlist on my phone, I'll be listening to this album for a while.

I'm sure you're wondering what the album is, so I'll tell you. It's the Sons of Provo soundtrack. You can laugh at my music choice. This is one of my favorite spoof albums that I listen to when I need to smile. (Running it definitely one of those times.)

But the best part of tonight's run was seeing the blazing clouds in the sunset. It was beautiful. I'm starting to believe runners get to appreciate the beauty of nature in a very personal way. It makes me actually look forward to running in the mornings. Go figure.

Today's Workout

Total Distance: 2.43
Total time: 35:51
14:45 mile average

One of Those People

I never thought I would be one of those people. You know, the ones who say they need to run or need to exercise. Or the ones who endlessly talk about their workout. Now, I am.

I've never been one with a desire to go running, but today was one of those days. I anticipated my run all day. Sitting at my desk, I was anxious to run away the frustrations of work. Apparently, running off frustrations works for me. I pushed myself through the workout even when I thought I couldn't run another step, and I had my best time yet!

When my training plan asked if I wanted to start training at a new level based on today, I clicked yes. It's really, really satisfying to improve enough for that question to pop up.

I also learned that shoes make a difference. The last few times I ran, I wore my everyday shoes I wear for everything from hiking to kickball. Today, I decided to wear my good running shoes, and boy, did that make a difference. It almost felt like running on pillows. I could tell there was less jarring on my body because the shoes absorbed more of the impact. I will never go back. Ever.

Today's Workout

Total Distance: 2.34
Total time: 33:11
14:11 mile average

Small Steps to Progress

I made the mistake of telling my friend (you know who you are) what day I planned to run last week. When he followed up with me on that day, two feelings occurred- a feeling of surprise and a feeling of chagrin. I was surprised he remembered and chagrined because I hadn't gone running. I didn't end up running that day, but I learned my lesson.

I recently read this book about running that inspired me. It's one I'll read several more times. The author shares her story of how she became a runner along with training stories and funny antics along the way. She and I are very similar in that we grew up as bookworms instead of athletes. What I love most about the book is she is a self-proclaimed average person like me. It gives me hope that if she can run a marathon, I can run a half marathon.

I've decided to adapt something my team does at work. Each Monday, we pick a statement to focus on during the week to foster a better team atmosphere. I'm calling it my Mantra Monday! I'll pick a new quote or saying to inspire my training for the week.

This week's mantra is one I've used in my fitness journey a lot, but I think it really applies this week.

It's all about progress not perfection!

I really love this quote by Elder Bednar because it so eloquently reminds me that progress is what leads to perfection.

It's the small steps, figurative and literal, that make goals and dreams become reality. Each step adds upon the last until the entire distance has been crossed. That is a hard lesson I am learning this week.

Today's Workout

Total Distance: 2.25
Total time: 35:29
15:46 mile average

The Starting Line

I am not a runner. There, I said it.

I don't remember who first suggested it, but the idea came about for my aunt, my sister-in-law, and I to run a race together. At a family gathering back in June, we decided we would run the Cowtown Half Marathon in Fort Worth, TX next February. So, let me say this again. I am not a runner... yet.

Today was my first training run. It was a great accomplishment for me!

This year has been a crazy adventure of dealing with anxiety and depression. The last month or so, my depression has become paralyzing where I have the hardest time doing anything. That's how I spent last weekend. So, convincing myself to leave the house after work, let alone to go running, was a huge success for me. I am hoping focusing on my training will help me deal with my depression in addition to improving my overall health.

So, there you have it. I will post updates on my training so I can track my improvements over the next several months until I reach the finish line.

Today's Workout
Total Distance: 2.85
Total time: 44:34
15:38 mile average

First, I must apologize for not posting my wreath pictures from February and March yet. School kind of consumed my life for a while. I will post them during my vacation next week.

I am feeling impressed to share a miraculous experience with you. For a while now, I have prayed to gain a testimony of tithing through paying it faithfully and diligently. I gained a testimony of tithing a few years ago because I did NOT pay it. During that time, my finances were in a state of disarray, and I could not for the life of me make ends meet. That was partially why I moved back to Washington.

So, when I struck out on my own for a second time, I was determined to make tithing a priority. There have been times when it took every ounce of my faith to hand in my check. Other times, I didn't know how I would pay for all my bills. Yet, I knew that through my faith and diligence I would be blessed. Malachi 3:10 reads "Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse ... and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing..."

This month, that blessing poured down from the windows of heaven arrived. After realizing my income was not stretching far enough to cover my bills with more than ten dollars left over, I decided to seek out a second part-time job. Within about one week of starting to look for a second job, I found one! On a Saturday, I told my roommate that I was starting to look. By Monday morning, she learned of the perfect job to fit my needs. Monday afternoon, I had an interview set up for Tuesday morning. I was offered the job Tuesday morning and started on Thursday. It all happened so fast that I felt spun around for a while!

This is a huge blessing for me! My financial stress will not nearly be as much. For example, I am taking a week off of my day job to visit family, which is a big hit to my next paycheck. However, with the second paycheck, I will have enough to cover my rent (which is what I've stressed about the most over this trip). It will be nice to have more than $6 leftover after a paycheck. I may even start being successful at keeping money in my savings accounts!

I hope you all have a marvelous week!

Wreath Wednesday- on Thursday

Pretend that today is yesterday. Rather, pretend that today is Wednesday. Okay, now that we have that settled, let me introduce my monthly segment for this year. Wreath Wednesday! A goal for this year is to create a wreath each month to hang on my front door. I didn't want to take down the hook I bought last month to hang my Christmas wreath.  Hopefully, this will satisfy my need to craft while I am in school starting next week.

Are you ready?