My Answer to a Dreaded Question

Last night, a family friend asked me the question I currently dread most: "What are you up to these days?"

I gave some answer that satisfied his question, but my mumbling about going back to school and looking for work told nothing of the journey that got me where I am today. To the outsider, it looks like I'm doing nothing with my life. To those who know me well, they know it has been a long, hard battle to reach my current mental state.

Three years ago almost to the day, my life took an unfathomable turn for the worse (and ultimately for the better). The turning point was a phone call from someone I considered my friend that turned my world upside down. Now, I won't go into the details because I don't want to dredge up old wounds; however, I will tell you that that phone call set me on the path to my mental health deterioration. Shortly after, I began having regular panic attacks that interfered with school, church, work, and every other aspect of my life for the next six months.

Towards the fall of 2015, I sunk into an episode of depression, which I talked about in this post. I thought I had reached my lowest point when I wrote that post, and at that time, I had. What I didn't know was that 2016 would be even scarier than the previous year. Just when I thought it couldn't get worse, it did. You can read about that in this post, in which I wrote about my biggest suicide attempt. I'm happy to say I haven't had any attempts since April of 2016!

Now, we come to 2017. If you had told me that this year would entail my living in two different states, suffering one of my hardest heartbreaks, experiencing family illness and death, and finding myself back in my hometown, I probably would have told you to go away in uncharacteristically harsh language. Yet, here I sit with the year coming to a close having survived another year and somehow managed to be in my healthiest mental state in years! I find myself having successfully finished a semester of college, having met new friends, maintained my boundaries, and having gained a confidence, strength and self-awareness I didn't have before.

This is not to say I will never struggle with depression or anxiety again. Those monsters still sneak up on me once in a while to make sure I won't forget them, but I now know how to handle them and how to keep them manageable. I even have had the opportunity to love and support some of my dear friends in their own mental health struggles. These instances make all my hardships worth something. My journey to good health is far from over, yet it becomes easier each day. It is easier to get out of bed. It is easier to laugh at something my date said. It is easier to serve someone. It is easier to create again. And it is ever easier to hope.

So, to answer the dreaded question above, I am living; I am thriving; I am becoming a better me.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit this suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “Hello” to 741-741.

Why I Stay

On the days I don't want to stay, I read a lot of articles and blog posts about reasons to stay, and I've decided to share my list. Maybe it can help someone find a reason to stay too. Some are trivial, some are universal. All of them are mine.

I stay for the fresh smelling rain of the Pacific Northwest. It wasn't until yesterday when I remembered just how much NW rain brings me joy.

I stay for all the quilt projects I want to finish.

I stay for friends who have touched my life.

I stay for the days when I can finish a workout and am glad that I started.

I stay for running days. I still don't love running, but I love the accomplished feeling when I cross the finish line!

I stay for goals yet to be accomplished like earning my bachelor's and master's degrees.

I stay for ice cream and dark chocolate.

I stay for my new dreams like spending a birthday in the Southern Hemisphere. I've always wanted to experience a summer birthday.

I stay for my nieces and nephews, who are my top nine reasons for staying! 

I stay for future adventures with friends and especially with my nieces and nephews.

But most of all, I stay for me. My story is not done. I stay to live and share it.

The Same Road, Two Very Different Road Trips

This week is National Suicide Prevention week in the United States. Because of that, I want to write two posts, one about the last time I was actively suicidal and another about why I stay (this year's theme of TWLOHA).

Let me set the stage. These road trips happen along I-15 from California to Utah, a route I have driven many times. Specifically, these moments happen on I-15 driving north of Cedar City, Utah.

March 2017
I'm on my way to attend FanX with my oldest nieces. I know it will be a fun time. We are seeing the new "Beauty and the Beast" on opening day. We're scheduled to take pictures with a couple celebrities and all have costumes. Okay, my costumes are just fan shirts, but that's how I roll. All of that is the good I'm excited for during this trip.

The downside? I'll be seeing my recent ex-boyfriend a week after a very emotional breakup. I want to see him and I don't. I'm feeling rejected by him but more so from God. It is a dark place. I am back in my dungeon and feeling a loss of hope. Not even my "Bad Day" playlist will help today.

That darkness and loss of hope leads me to contemplate driving into oncoming traffic. It's a serious consideration that is both enticing and scary. Thankfully (I suppose), I've been down this path before and know the danger signs well enough to reach out for help.

--

I didn't pull into oncoming traffic and made it to Utah safely, but there was a good stretch of road where that outcome was questionable. I did make it through that trip with all its fun moments and emotional moments. It proved, once again, that I need my family sometimes to survive.

Myself and my nieces, Whitney and Monique heading to FanX the day after driving

This brings me to the second trip.

July 2017

I am on my way to Utah once again. This trip is quite different from the last time. Happy music is blasting, and I'm singing along to all the songs. I'm excited to see my family, excited to watch my niece play softball, and making really good time.

At some point, I realize I've reached the stretch of road where I was suicidal months before and the contrast hits me. This is the proof that I am in a better headspace, proof that I am healthier, proof that all the therapy and doctor's appointments have been worth it. This is the confirmation I've needed before going after new dreams. 

This is the ultimate proof that hope and healing are real.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit this suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “Hello” to 741-741.

365 Days of Living

Today is the first anniversary of my suicide attempt, which you can read about in this post here.

It's been 365 days of fighting demons and learning that life is worth the fight. There have been good days and bad days, but what I've learned the most is that this process isn't linear. My fight isn't over, but there are less demons than before. I can get out of bed nearly every day. I am going back to work soon and making plans to live on my own again later this year. I finally found a therapist I like and a medication that works. I am making healthy changes, setting running goals and finding my passions to build a fulfilling life. In fact, I'm participating in the Unmasked 10M event put on by the Hogwarts Running Club and benefiting TWLOHA, an organization so dear to my heart. Not only does this combine two of my sources of hope, I decided it also was one of the best ways to celebrate living.

Because of my experiences this last year, the knowledge that God has been and will always be right beside me is now permanently embedded into my soul. He is shaping me into more than I ever dreamed and guiding my life to become more than what I planned.

Because today stirs up so many emotions, I am choosing to focus the most on gratitude.

To everyone in my life, thank you. Thank you for your prayers and kind thoughts sent my way. Thank you for reminding me of my value when I cannot see it myself. 

To those who stayed with me through my darkest and most desperate times, I can't thank you enough. You were my lifeline when I couldn't help myself. Your words of support, texts, and confidence in me reminded me that I had strength to continue on.

To those who left and who kept their boundaries, thank you for recognizing what you could handle and for choosing to take care of yourself. Self-care is so important.

To my therapists, thank you for working with me and for guiding me through the dark maze of depression. You helped me see my gradual progress and gave me hope for better things to come. Thank you for accepting me as I was each time I entered your office whether it was a good or bad mental health day.

To my amazing nieces, thank you for showing wisdom beyond your ages by accepting that I couldn't always keep my promises. Thank you for being concerned and expressing your unconditional love to me. Some days, your love is the only thing that keeps me fighting.

To my family, thank you for the support you've given me this year, whether emotional, financial, physical, or just your love. I wouldn't be as healthy as I am today without your care and support. Thank you for the tough love that was needed (and sometimes not). I know you are trying your best to understand, and I love you for that.

Please, please, if you or someone you know is struggling, take heart. There is hope in the darkness. Help is available. You matter. You are important. 

If you or someone you know needs help, visit this suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “Hello” to 741-741.