Depression: My Unwanted Companion Part 1

This is a really scary two part post for me, but it's one I've been thinking about for a while now. After reading a blog post today on the To Write Love on Her Arms blog asking people to share their stories before they are finished, I decided today was the day. Here is my story as it is being written.

I may have dealt with depression before this, but the first time I knew for sure I was struggling with depression was after my mom's stroke three years ago. Expecting to spend Christmas in Venice that year, I stopped in Washington to visit my parents before I was to leave. When I arrived in Washington, my dad and I went straight to the hospital to visit my mom who had gone in the day before. I learned my mom had had a stroke and changed my plans to stay in Washington to be there for my mom and dad. 

After spending nearly a month of taking care of my mom and being a support for my dad, I returned to Utah emotionally depleted. I had nothing left to give. I retreated into myself over the first few weeks I was home. I know I wasn't a pleasant roommate at the time. (Thank you for still being my friend after that Adri!) Reading became my refuge; I devoured book after book. I read 15 or so books in two months, which eventually led to my reading goal of 50 books that year. During this time, I also started therapy. I remember using a scene in a comic strip to describe how I felt to my therapist. I felt as if I was trapped in a dungeon much like the following scene from Rose is Rose by Don Wimmer and Pat Brady. 

Through the personal work I did in therapy and the constant love given to me by my friends, I eventually made my way out of that dungeon and stayed out for a long time.

Then 2015 happened.

This year has been one of the hardest years of my life. After dealing with constant panic attacks for the first half of the year and heartbreak, I managed to find myself back in my dark dungeon called depression. There wasn't an evident cause like last time, although my guess is it was again depletion depression. Anxiety and depression are two sides to a teeter-totter. They are often found together.

At first, I thought I was just dealing with homesickness because I had recently returned from a week of visiting my parents in Washington. But the sadness lingered and worsened. I retreated into myself and hid in my room. I think there was a week where my roommates didn't see me at all. I stopped going to church for several weeks and cancelled on plans with friends. Frankly, it's amazing I made it to work those weeks.

People began to notice and reach out to me, which I appreciated; however, I wasn't ready or willing to ask for help. I kept thinking things would improve as if by magic. They didn't. My depression started interfering with work and with my health. I stopped eating and didn't sleep well. I felt as though I was under an avalanche and the more I kept trying to get out from underneath it, the more it caved in on me. It was kind of like this Wile E Coyote clip:

Finally after about a month of trying it on my own, I admitted I needed help. I met with my bishop in one of the hardest interviews of my life. He put me in contact with a wonderful therapist two days later.

Continued in Part 2 

If you or someone you know needs help, visit this suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “Hello” to 741-741.