Why I Stay

On the days I don't want to stay, I read a lot of articles and blog posts about reasons to stay, and I've decided to share my list. Maybe it can help someone find a reason to stay too. Some are trivial, some are universal. All of them are mine.

I stay for the fresh smelling rain of the Pacific Northwest. It wasn't until yesterday when I remembered just how much NW rain brings me joy.

I stay for all the quilt projects I want to finish.

I stay for friends who have touched my life.

I stay for the days when I can finish a workout and am glad that I started.

I stay for running days. I still don't love running, but I love the accomplished feeling when I cross the finish line!

I stay for goals yet to be accomplished like earning my bachelor's and master's degrees.

I stay for ice cream and dark chocolate.

I stay for my new dreams like spending a birthday in the Southern Hemisphere. I've always wanted to experience a summer birthday.

I stay for my nieces and nephews, who are my top nine reasons for staying! 

I stay for future adventures with friends and especially with my nieces and nephews.

But most of all, I stay for me. My story is not done. I stay to live and share it.

The Same Road, Two Very Different Road Trips

This week is National Suicide Prevention week in the United States. Because of that, I want to write two posts, one about the last time I was actively suicidal and another about why I stay (this year's theme of TWLOHA).

Let me set the stage. These road trips happen along I-15 from California to Utah, a route I have driven many times. Specifically, these moments happen on I-15 driving north of Cedar City, Utah.

March 2017
I'm on my way to attend FanX with my oldest nieces. I know it will be a fun time. We are seeing the new "Beauty and the Beast" on opening day. We're scheduled to take pictures with a couple celebrities and all have costumes. Okay, my costumes are just fan shirts, but that's how I roll. All of that is the good I'm excited for during this trip.

The downside? I'll be seeing my recent ex-boyfriend a week after a very emotional breakup. I want to see him and I don't. I'm feeling rejected by him but more so from God. It is a dark place. I am back in my dungeon and feeling a loss of hope. Not even my "Bad Day" playlist will help today.

That darkness and loss of hope leads me to contemplate driving into oncoming traffic. It's a serious consideration that is both enticing and scary. Thankfully (I suppose), I've been down this path before and know the danger signs well enough to reach out for help.

--

I didn't pull into oncoming traffic and made it to Utah safely, but there was a good stretch of road where that outcome was questionable. I did make it through that trip with all its fun moments and emotional moments. It proved, once again, that I need my family sometimes to survive.

Myself and my nieces, Whitney and Monique heading to FanX the day after driving

This brings me to the second trip.

July 2017

I am on my way to Utah once again. This trip is quite different from the last time. Happy music is blasting, and I'm singing along to all the songs. I'm excited to see my family, excited to watch my niece play softball, and making really good time.

At some point, I realize I've reached the stretch of road where I was suicidal months before and the contrast hits me. This is the proof that I am in a better headspace, proof that I am healthier, proof that all the therapy and doctor's appointments have been worth it. This is the confirmation I've needed before going after new dreams. 

This is the ultimate proof that hope and healing are real.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit this suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “Hello” to 741-741.

Lessons & Accomplishments of 2011

As the old year passes and the new year approaches, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on some lessons and accomplishments from this year.

In 2011, I learned that asking for help, while extremely hard at times, is important. I am still trying to implement this principle in my life. I know that I can't do everything as much as I think I can. My visiting teachers and other friends have come to my aid and rescued me from the "dragons" that I faced. I witnessed the example my brother's family gave me of accepting help. They were probably most influential in teaching me this lesson.

In 2011, I learned the blessings of tithing. I had previously gained a testimony of tithing by not paying it in previous years. This year, I really strived to pay my tithing no matter how hard it felt. Let me tell you, there were a few months where it took every ounce of my faith to write and hand in my check. Because I have religiously paid my tithing, I have witnessed a few financial miracles. I've had a general peace about my finances. I have been able to better manage my money (for the most part) to live off my paychecks.

One miracle that stands out is the day my a headlight on my car burned out. I was down to my last dollar till my next paycheck with nothing to spare. A co-worker purchased a jewelry order from me. As I was driving to the bank to deposit the money from the order, I noticed my headlight was out. I was then able to immediately buy a replacement bulb and resolve the problem. That experience may seem like nothing special to you, but I recognize the timing of that blessing.

In 2011, I overcame a roadblock in my life that I had forgotten was there. It took moving to Utah and meeting an amazing friend to change my life in a way that resolved years of trying to avoid that particular roadblock.

In 2011, I completed my first quilt made entirely by me! I enjoyed that project immensely. I love seeing my quilt appear in pictures posted of the baby recipient on Facebook. I love hearing the compliments about my quilt given to the mother. At one point, the mother teased me that she received more comments on the beautiful quilt than on the cuteness of her baby!

In 2011, I learned the importance of working a job that I enjoy. After going through a bad situation in a job that I dreaded, finding my current job was a God-send... literally. The day after I quit my first job, I met the employment specialist in my ward. I didn't know she was the employment specialist at the time. I told her about my need for a new job, and she promptly helped me revise my resume. She helped me find a job faster than I ever could have on my own. Just as an needless piece of information, I have now worked at this job longer than any other job in my work history!!

In 2011, I experienced the greatest loss in my life so far. However, out of that, I have learned to trust in the Lord's timing and tender mercies.

This last year has been a roller coaster of a ride! Here's to a the year 2012!

Happy New Year my friends!

Laboring to the T

On Labor Day, some of my brother's family and I hiked to the Tooele T. It was a fun, exhausting adventure! We parked in the wrong area, so it was a longer hike than we expected. I almost didn't make it all the way, but I am so glad I did. I really needed to accomplish something so challenging to prove to myself that I can do anything I put my mind and effort to!

I was SO sore after that hike! I will admit that I fell a few times on the way down, resulting in bruises where I sit! Ah, sitting at work  the next day was quite the task!

Below is a picture of my nieces and nephew with me sitting on the T, and a picture of the view from the T.

Here's to the new adventures ahead!

Christmas Ships Come Sailing In

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas season! One of my favorite activities was going down to the river to watch the Christmas Ships with my nieces and nephew. I really missed the Christmas Ships last year. Going to see them has been a tradition ever since I can remember, and somehow, the Christmas season just doesn't seem complete without them.

(L-R Pixie, Myself, Bookworm, Noodle and Roadrunner in front)

It was a cold, cold, cold night- especially down at the river. We bundled up and played school-yard games to stay warm. Among the games, we played Follow the Leader and Red Light, Green Light. According to my nieces and nephew, I learned the wrong way to play Red Light, Green Light! For all they know, they could be playing the game wrong!

After what seemed like a frozen forever, the ships finally came downriver. They were so beautiful and were definitely worth the wait. Here are the few pictures that turned out not too blurry. Combine night with moving lights and you just have a picture nightmare! I never can seem to use the correct setting on my camera! Does anyone else have this problem?

That last one is a fire engine complete with a loud siren! It was so fun to shout "Merry Christmas" to the ships and wave as they went by. Some of the ships even had Christmas songs playing for us to enjoy!

I absolutely love Christmas!

An Aunt-filled Weekend

I had a fun weekend with my niece, Bookworm, and her brother, Roadrunner!

Friday, I went to a football game with Bookworm. It was SO much fun! I was dancing along to the band, being silly and enjoying myself! It helped the spirits when our team ended the first quarter with a score of 27 to 0. By the half, we were up 42 to 3. Our team won by a landslide: 56 to 3. It was a great game!

After spending four years' worth of Friday nights at high school football games with the band, I picked up a tradition of having a candy bar during the third quarter. If you really want to know how this tradition started, you can ask me. That's a different story. Anyway, I treated our little group to candy, being nice to the boys and treating them too! Bookworm decided to be nice to the boys. Eh, they were worth the three dollars! Bookworm and I took a few pictures, but I can't find my cord to download the pictures to my computer. You'll have to be patient with me on that one.

Top three favorite moments for Friday:

3. Dancing to the Band music, causing Bookworm to laugh at me!

2. Discussing the idea of a Pep Orchestra and the sports it would support!

1. Driving Bookworm home and hearing that I am the best aunt! You can't top that!

Saturday, Roadrunner and I spent the afternoon together. We were going to go to a pumpkin patch, but the entrance fee was more than I had in my wallet, so we did the only sane thing to do: go to WinCo for pumpkins! We picked out four little pumpkins about the size of a baseball and two big pumpkins about ten pounds each. I was impressed! Roadrunner climbed into the cart and "steered" us around the store. (I was the "rear-wheel-drive" and the motor.)

After that, we headed to the park to meet some ladies I know. 

There was a really cool ring that spun around. We had fun on that one. Roadrunner stood on it while it went around, keeping his balance quite nicely. I was not nearly that brave; I almost lost my balance just sitting! Take a look.

I did all the work of going up hill with these boys. My legs got quite the workout by the time I was done!

Top Three Favorites from Saturday:

3. Running to the back of the parking lot pushing the cart as a "race car", then screeching to a halt just prior to hitting the car. Roadrunner's comment: "Wow, those brakes worked better than expected!"

2. Roadrunner folding himself in half with his feet sticking up in the air for luck as we drove over the railroad tracks.

1. Learning that Roadrunner turned down a play date to hang out with me!

I love my family!

My Apple Dumpling Gang

We had a family reunion last month where, for the first time in a while, all of my immediate family was together.

My parents with my brothers and myself

My parents with my oldest brother and his family

My parents with my second brother and his family

Since all nine of my nieces and nephews were together, I couldn't pass up the chance to take a picture with them. 

I love these kids!

A Sure Foundation

We learn in Corinthians that "old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new". This is true with shoes. After years of loving my 'every day' shoes, they finally have gone the way of the earth, or at least into the garbage can.

It is best to replace something when you throw it away, and that is precisely what I did. I am now the fashionable owner of these new 'every day' shoes:

So far, I've been happy with them, and I think they will serve me quite well as I work towards my first 5k this summer. My true purpose in going to the shoe store was to find a new pair of high heels to go with my new black dress.

After visiting six stores, I found my fabulous new heels. I love them! They are different from all my other heels and have quite a personality about them. Yes, my shoe addiction has officially started thanks to these shoes. I can say that I am not the only girl who feel in love with them.

My niece, Little Miss, loved my shoes. She didn't want to give them back! Here is a picture of my nephew, Imaginator, wearing them while Little Miss was complaining- hence being up on her toes.

She had great balance walking in my heels; of course, it helps that her foot sits only in the toe of the shoe. I was still impressed.

I can tell you what our Aunt-Niece outings will be when her feet stop growing! She's my little fashionista!!

Christmas Spirit

I had the opportunity to spend Christmas with my brother and his family this year. It was a wonderful holiday full of love and the Spirit. On Christmas Eve, it is their tradition to look at Christmas lights on houses. I loved it! We drove around town looking at the light displays while singing along to the Little People Christmas Songs nearly at the top of our lungs! After we finished, we read the Christmas Story out of Luke 2.

I would attribute how much of the Spirit I felt this Christmas to reading the Book of Mormon. My stake president issued a challenge to finish the Book of Mormon before the end of the year, so I decided to try my best to do so. The only thing is I started last week! I have felt my testimony in the Savior grow exponentially in the last few days as I have feasted on the scriptures. The increase of the Spirit in my life is without a doubt the best Christmas gift I could ever receive. In light of that thought, I wanted to share a video with you even though it is after Christmas. Enjoy!

May the spirit of Christmas be with you all year long.

Playground Fun

Before school started for me, I took the opportunity to visit my brother and his family for the day. I took most of the kids to the park, and we had a blast! We went down the slides, we were on the swings, we rolled down the hill, we had a few races, and took over one hundred pictures! I will save you the agony of looking at all of the pictures, and only share a select portion with you, especially the pictures my niece and nephew took! Enjoy!

Cupckes and Games

This entire weekend has been a ball of fun. I finally released a lot of the things weighing down my life, so I was able to enjoy a carefree weekend of fun and games!

Friday night, I volunteered at the annual Jazz Festival for my college. I enjoyed working back stage so much, and I made some new friends that I otherwise wouldn't have. The joke going around was that I turned down a date to work the festival. It is a little stretched from the truth, but only by a little. You can fill in the real story yourself. :)

Saturday turned out to be a sweet day- literally. I put my spoon to the bowl and made beautifully white cupcakes for my family celebration that evening. I'm quite proud of how they turned out. The batter was evenly dispersed, and the cupcakes were a beautiful white inside. I've always been fond of separating the egg yokes from the whites. Other than licking the spoon, separating eggs is my favorite task in baking a white cake.

The family festivities were great! The fun started when Roadrunner, in his six year old way, snubbed me for my good friend, Mister E. Seriously, I had to request a hug from Roadrunner! It's like I wasn't even there!! Oh well. I guess that means Roadrunner likes Mister E. The girls soon ganged up against Mister E and started a pillow fight. There were times when I thought for sure the kids would win- four against one. Then, I realized the kids didn't know what they were up against!

By the time dinner was ready, I believe the score was 3-1 with Mister E in the lead.

After dinner, we played Apples to Apples, and I about died with laughter. That game is so fun and amusing! I love it- almost as much as Charades! When we were tired of that game, we moved on to Scotland Yard, a family favorite. Dad was the elusive "Mr. X" while the rest of us were the detectives. It was a tough and intense game. My brother and Mister E certainly made Dad sweat a little wondering if he would be caught- which he wasn't.

The evening was such a great night! It was probably one of the most enjoyable family nights I've had in a while. It was certainly something to write home about!


Sunday presented itself as another awesome Sabbath. Church was uplifting- despite a throbbing headache. Sunday School was very inspiring, as was Relief Society. As always, I enjoyed my ward's Break the Fast meal after church and ate more than I probably should have. I loved learning how to play Garbage Rummy with Mister E's family. I was terrible, earning 370 points in four rounds! However, as bad as I was, it was only my first time playing the game. I'm sure I'll improve with a little more practice.

As I said at the beginning, this was a fantastic weekend! I'd certainly love to relive all the fun spent with family and friends time and time again. Here's to the start of a wonderful week and a new month!

Paka

Happy Birthday, Mom!

To the best Mom I've ever had!

(Of course, she's the only one I've had, but that is beside the point.)

Mom has supported me through all my changing of decisions and plans. She listens and gives her opinion like mothers do so well.

She has taught me how to be silly and enjoy a humor-filled life.

Without her, I certainly wouldn't be who I am. Our family would be a bag of nuts without any shells.

She has set examples for me- of how to cook, how to learn, how to love music, how to bug my older brothers... the important things in life!

Mom, thanks for being my mom!
Happy (ahem)th Birthday!
I love you!