The Same Road, Two Very Different Road Trips

This week is National Suicide Prevention week in the United States. Because of that, I want to write two posts, one about the last time I was actively suicidal and another about why I stay (this year's theme of TWLOHA).

Let me set the stage. These road trips happen along I-15 from California to Utah, a route I have driven many times. Specifically, these moments happen on I-15 driving north of Cedar City, Utah.

March 2017
I'm on my way to attend FanX with my oldest nieces. I know it will be a fun time. We are seeing the new "Beauty and the Beast" on opening day. We're scheduled to take pictures with a couple celebrities and all have costumes. Okay, my costumes are just fan shirts, but that's how I roll. All of that is the good I'm excited for during this trip.

The downside? I'll be seeing my recent ex-boyfriend a week after a very emotional breakup. I want to see him and I don't. I'm feeling rejected by him but more so from God. It is a dark place. I am back in my dungeon and feeling a loss of hope. Not even my "Bad Day" playlist will help today.

That darkness and loss of hope leads me to contemplate driving into oncoming traffic. It's a serious consideration that is both enticing and scary. Thankfully (I suppose), I've been down this path before and know the danger signs well enough to reach out for help.

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I didn't pull into oncoming traffic and made it to Utah safely, but there was a good stretch of road where that outcome was questionable. I did make it through that trip with all its fun moments and emotional moments. It proved, once again, that I need my family sometimes to survive.

Myself and my nieces, Whitney and Monique heading to FanX the day after driving

This brings me to the second trip.

July 2017

I am on my way to Utah once again. This trip is quite different from the last time. Happy music is blasting, and I'm singing along to all the songs. I'm excited to see my family, excited to watch my niece play softball, and making really good time.

At some point, I realize I've reached the stretch of road where I was suicidal months before and the contrast hits me. This is the proof that I am in a better headspace, proof that I am healthier, proof that all the therapy and doctor's appointments have been worth it. This is the confirmation I've needed before going after new dreams. 

This is the ultimate proof that hope and healing are real.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit this suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “Hello” to 741-741.