Depression can have several symptoms. This time, I seem to have emotional extremes with no middle ground. I either have a good day where life feels normal, or I have a bad day where I am really sad, frustrated, angry, or anxious. (By "bad day", I mean a day where my depression is overpowering and outweighing everything else.) There have only been a few scary times when I felt completely empty. One of those times resulted in an overdose attempt, which is why those times are so scary to me.
There have been countless people who have supported and loved me through all of this whether I reached out to them or not. I am grateful for the friends who have stuck it out and haven't left me. The biggest paradox of my depression is the desire for isolation and desperate need for friends. I hesitate every time I reach out to someone, especially on the days I am most drawn into myself.
Because I know how difficult it is when a friend with depression reaches out to you, here are two recommendations on articles for what to say or not say to someone with depression: here and here.
When I reach out to someone during a panic attack or a bad day, I'm seeking reassurance that I am not alone and that I will survive whatever I am going through in that moment. Comments such as "I'm here" or "You will be okay" are the most helpful to me.
One of the side effects of my depression is I have become a very timid and shy little girl. As I said before, I often hesitate to reach out to someone because I feel like I am bothering them. I know I am not a bother, otherwise, the people I reach out to would have told me to get lost long ago. However, I still feel that way. I often push through it and still reach out, and sometimes, I don't.
The hardest thing about feeling so timid is I often turn to only two or three people when I need help. The most common phrase I hear in some form or another is someone asking how they can help. I often won't ask for what I need because for whatever reason I think I just can't ask someone to help with that. Honestly, help with things like laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, and cleaning my room is what I need most, but I'm often too embarrassed, prideful, or I lack the energy to ask for what I need.
This isn't the end. One day at a time is all I can do for now. And that's okay.
Recommended posts from the To Write Love on Her Arms blog:
Five Lies Depression Told Me
For Those Who Have Stayed
But Your Life Isn't That Bad
Click to read Part 1.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit this suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “Hello” to 741-741.
1 comment:
<3 love you brave girl
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